No matter how well-intentioned the question may be, for those of us navigating life through the lens of grief, "How are you doing?" can feel like a bandaid ripped off of a humongous open wound. It's a question loaded with societal expectations and the pressure to respond with a simple "I'm fine." But what if you're not fine? What if your world has been shattered by loss, and the pain is too raw to put into words? I couldn't bring myself to utter the words "I'm fine" when my world was crumbling around me. The pain was too deep, too raw, to be encapsulated in such a simple phrase. For those of us struggling with early grief, this response can feel conflicting, fake, and isolating.
After my son Ryan transitioned, I was in disbelief that the world was still turning, and that people were going about life as usual. Everything looked, felt, tasted, and sounded different. Being in public was excruciatingly difficult. “How are you doing?” became a dreaded inquiry. I found myself avoiding the conversation altogether or deflecting by turning the question back on them. I found myself longing to shout out the F-word—and that word was not FINE. But instead, I swallowed my pain, and if I had the strength, mustered a tight smile, pretending that everything was okay when it most certainly was not. How could it be? My son was no longer here on earth.
With friends and family, I knew when they asked about me, they wanted to know the good, the bad, and the ugly truth. I used it as an invitation to openly mourn and say how I was feeling at that exact moment, because things could change in a nano-second. Sometimes expressing in anguish “I don’t know what I am feeling!” could help move the grief in my body and soul outward. My pain would shift from being in a deep fog of numbness to the shock of the horrible and intense reality of Ryan’s death. By being authentic and vulnerable this allowed me to actively mourn. I did not have the pressure to reply with the polite facade of “I’m fine.”
Grief is messy, raw, and deeply personal. It's okay not to be okay, and it's okay to reject society's expectations of how we should respond to the question "How are you doing?" Instead of hiding behind polite facades, let's strive for offering ourselves honesty and authenticity on our grief journey. And to those who ask the question, let's offer not just our ears but our hearts, ready to truly listen to the pain that lies beneath the surface.
Recently a student shared this little gem - FINE
Feelings
Inside
Not
Expressed
Whoa! Maybe that is why I cringe at the word fine. Or as I call it “the other F-word”
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